The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 10 FINALE

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 10 FINALE

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 10 FINALE

 

Finale. Here we are. Can I say, once more: this is not right. We should be having overnights. We should be having a lot more time with these people. She should’ve spent the night with both guys by this point, so she knows how things roll in the bedroom. She should know them – and WE should know them – so well by now that the final decision is horrifying. As it stands, this is not the case. There’s going to be no real heartbreak, because nobody’s had time to fall in love or fuck or even really get attached. This damages the show. Trust me: watch the next season of The Bachelorette in the US. Watch last season, if you really want to see amazing TV. Kaitlyn’s season had the lot: fucking, fighting, meltdowns, intense emotional engagement, sexual jealousy and torture. I don’t know why we back away from the overnights. Someone’s too scared, and I don’t know if it’s the network or the production company or what. They want to keep it as bland as possible so as not to offend anyone. I think that’s nuts. The US version is on ABC America for chrissakes, it’s the most conservative network in the universe. But over there it’s 2015. Here it’s 1952, apparently, and as a member of the audience, I feel insulted. The entire point of this show is the SEARCH FOR LOVE. Not friendship. Not yeah maybe she seems OK possibly we might go on a date some time after the camera crew leaves. The point of this show is to watch one person fall deeply, wildly in love with another person, or if possible three other persons – to see that person get involved, on some kind of serious level, so that their head and heart get rearranged to some significant degree. This happens if you give them enough time together in a sufficiently closed environment. It helps if you pick the right person, who believes in the process. I will try to shut up now. But I need to get this off my chest because I love this show and I know what it can be, when it’s pushed to the extreme. Just like a contestant on TBL.

 

Anyways… here’s how it goes: it’s all going to happen in New Zealand. This is OK I guess but they show Sam on the plane, and Michael on the plane, and then Sash on the plane. All separate, alone…. but then I think, surely they flew them on the one flight. So that must’ve been kind of awkward. Yes? No? Why didn’t you make the flight a mini-group-date? Air New Zealand have done their best to make a trip to NZ look vaguely fun, which is not an easy thing to do, so hats off. Congrats on getting a half-decent sponsor. They’ve made the landscape look pretty stunning, by cleverly removing all New Zealanders from the picture. I’ve always thought New Zealand would be an awesome place if it were completely emptied of New Zealanders. And tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette absolutely confirms that theory.

 

Sam talks a lot about her heartbreak, last season, at the hands of our nation’s most evil villain, Blake. This shits me, to tears. She was never fucking heartbroken, she barely knew the guy. Blake was not the sharpest needle in the sharps bin, and as the series drew to its (rushed) ending, he just got more and more confused. THIS IS WHAT THE OVERNIGHTS ARE FOR. Blake needed a few more dates, and some sexy-time. Everything I said above — this was the problem with last season. To put it bluntly, Blake needed to bang the last few contestants, in order to figure it out. And EVEN IF the confusion still reigned, and he switched his allegiance after the final rose, IMAGINE HOW INSANELY GREAT that show would’ve been. But the reality was, he had no idea who Sam was, except that she looked like every TV-presenter in the history of the world, and the producers were telling him: pick Sam, pick Sam, she’s the cute one. So he did. He even proposed, because he’d done his homework and knew this was the thing to do. Then he got home, changed his mind and had the courage to admit: I fucked-up. I picked the wrong person. All completely fair, and IMAGINE HOW INSANELY GREAT it would’ve been if there were an After The Final Rose episode wherein Blake got to do all of this back-flipping and so-called heart-breaking LIVE ON TV. This my friends is what happens in the US show and this is WHY REALITY TV WAS INVENTED. The point of this thing is to put the process under a microscope, to get hard and fast to the real ouch, and then examine that ouch with a precision lens. And the point is not to allow your hero to be a public joke. He made a mistake, he owned his mistake, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN THE SEARCH FOR LOVE. And guess what, ultimately HE FOUND LOVE. This according to the true universe of The Bachelor, makes Blake a hero, not a villain.

 

Listening to Sam rabbit on about what a complete bastard Blake was, all I can think is: I bet that whoever you send home tonight is not like this. I bet he is gracious, and cool, and dignified. Unlike yourself.

 

Michael has to meet Sam’s family: two brothers and a sister. He looks really, really good, which I think is a massive mistake. Should’ve dressed down, Mikey. Should’ve worn a wife-beater and a pair of trackies, not turned up looking like a male model. Sam’s sister is PISSED-OFF about Blake. She’s clearly embarrassed about the role she herself played in the “fiasco” and she’s not about to let herself be fooled again by a smoooooth-talkin’ goooood-lookin’ duuuuuude. I love the meetings with the families. I love it most when a family member has the cojones to say hey, I am suspicious of this process and I can’t bring myself to fall in love instantly with this douche you’ve brought home. My all-time favouritest-ever was when Desiree was in Sean’s season of The Bachelor (USA) and she brought home Sean Lowe, the all-American Clean-Cut Christian Good Guy (and total fame-hound dickhead) and Desiree’s brother saw right through him, and kind of threatened to cut his throat, right there in the family backyard. Excellent television, made more excellent by the fact that Desiree’s brother was speaking absolute truth.

 

But I digress. Here we are with Michael and Sam’s family, and Michael turns into robot-salesman. It’s hard to watch. He’s clearly nervous, and there’s a sad irony in this, given that his nervousness translates into a constant stream of smooth-salesman patter, and he keeps telling them exactly all the right things, all the right things, all the right things, constant robot monotone weirding them out, weirding them out, Sam’s sister loathing this fucker with his good looks and his upturned-collar. Mikey, you’re gonna lose this the way you’re going. I’m kind of sad because I think this is Michael being genuine – but he just can’t read his audience. He’d make a lousy frontman. And I think I now understand how you can be sensationally good-looking and still be sad and alone at whatever age he is.

 

Then he and Sam go on a date – white-water rafting. Oh fuck. There are a few different types of dates; there are romantic dates, there are weird/funny dates, and then there’s adventure shit like white-water rafting. You do not want to get given the adventure date now, in the final days. You want romance, not rafting. Adrenalin dates like these keep you at arm’s length, and I know in my heart: Michael’s losing. He keeps trying to kiss her, hug her — but they’re on a raft going at three thousand miles an hour down a sharp incline, and Sam really couldn’t give a fuck about Michael, because Sociopath Sam is in full throttle, whooping, hollering, hoping someone will get hurt or die. I have read a lot about antisocial personality disorders, sociopaths and psychopaths, and here we are. Get out of there Mikey while you can, because this person has some wires disconnected.

 

They end up in hot springs, and it looks great but The Mikester’s prattle has now hit desperation level. He knows he’s got to tell her he loves her, because TV, because finale, and he’s nervous about it and he can’t seem to deliver the lines with any sense of belief. He’s like a broken robot stuck in automated-reply mode, I am here for the right reasons here for you enjoy being with you I enjoy time together genuine I please up welcome insert card left turn exit the roundabout. Replace batteries and reset. What the fuck Mikey. You were doing so well, just a few weeks ago.

 

Sash is a complete contrast. He gets the sexy romance date, sailing on a big fat cruisy yacht, snuggling Sam, chilling out, winning. His meeting with the family is perfect. He turns up in an old T-shirt from K-Mart and stumbles perfectly with his answers and says, hey, I’m not smart, I’m not cool, I’m not even good-looking but I’m kind of real. The sister loves him so hard she has to have her hands tied behind her back to stop her from putting them down Sash’s pants. She wants to have his babies. Sash looks her in the eye and says woman I ain’t got no fancy talk. I don’t go for that crazy modern jive. I’m a builder, and I don’t use the word love about anyone except my mum.

 

Sash has nailed it. I suddenly realise, this is actually what a TV-presenter needs. Not some guy who’s going to compete with her for the spotlight – let’s face it, there’s only enough spotlight to go round. Sash may not be the sharpest shiv in the prison but this in itself is the goods: he just thinks Sam is bewdiful, with a capital D. He’s gonna worship her ass off, for as long as she wants. ALSO: he’s genuinely funny, he’s quick-witted and he has none of the highly-strung, can’t-quite-get-comfortable-in-my-own-underpants thing that Michael is high-beaming right now.

 

So finally, this show is providing some quality, fascinating TV, and then, just at that point, what does Channel 10 do? What decision gets made at the network which has struggled, desperately for the last few years, and now has just one or two shows that rate a bit — The Bachelorette being one of them. You know what happens? They run a hundred ads. They have an ad-break every 10 seconds, and they cram so many ads in there that I think maybe I sat on the remote and switched to the shopping channel. I get that they’ve got to sell ads during their high-rating stuff but this is insane. Channel Ten, why are you treating me like a fuckwit?

 

FINALLY: we get to The Moment. Sam is standing in a field, wearing some kind of ghastly mermaid’s-wedding backless frock which makes her look like a mental patient, out here on the freezing New Zealand coastline. She’s about to send someone home, and supposedly break his heart, and I’m looking forward to this moment, because BLAKE. And VILLAIN. The loser’s car arrives, and the loser is forced to confront OSHER GUNSBERG, which is creepy and awful as usual and hasn’t the loser suffered enough? And the loser is Michael. He does the long walk to Sam, and she is so frozen she can’t speak, her teeth are chattering, her make-up’s all wrong and after three minutes of silence, Michael is forced to reject himself. He does it with style, and dignity, and just says hey, it’s OK Sam. It’s OK. He gives her a hug which gently conveys this: I will go quietly, and humbly, and I will not trash your character all over the nation, in the way that you have done to Blake. I will maintain a level of dignity and honour, and thereby quietly restore those qualities to the Australian Bachelor franchise. Because I am possibly an OK dude, just a bit nervous, or possibly I’m a robot, who knows. But good luck with Sash, he’s a good guy.

 

Michael departs, gracefully. And then, get this: AD-BREAK.

 

Which is totally fucking dumb, because surely you keep the momentum going, surely we KNOW now who the winner is, we need to get there, do this thing, wrap it up. And we just had an extended ad-break, 1 minute ago, we’ve had 300 ad-breaks, getting longer and louder, we’ve had enough fucking ads to last us all our lives, the show’s been going now on air for six hours and only 22 minutes of that has been the actual show, the rest has been advertisements for a perfume that comes in a tampon-box, complete with its own tampon-ad, with the tagline “As Worn By SAM FROST” which has been so disconcerting because nobody in the world gets that it’s a perfume and not a box of tampons. But no, Channel 10 goes to another ad-break, and the minutes tick by, and there’s 20 ads, and then 30, and then an hour goes by, and now I just want to watch Gogglebox, and everyone’s tuning in to watch Gogglebox but it’s delayed because AD-BREAK and Channel 10 is going for the world record. It’s 3 in the morning, the ad break is still going, people all over the world are starting to tune in just to see the world’s longest ad break. Are there no rules governing this sort of shit? I thought once upon a time you were only allowed to show a certain number of ads. Turns out that must not be the case. I leave, I go to bed, I sleep for 36 straight hours and have a fever-dream wherein I’m chased across Texas by a poodle-groomer named Molly, and Donald Trump is in the dream, lighting fires. I wake up, the AD-BREAK FROM HELL is still going, and there’s a noise outside, and my street is full of people, protesting, angry, waving placards, shouting, CHANNEL TEN WHY DO YOU TREAT US LIKE FUCKWITS?? Do you get why nobody wants to watch your network? DO YOU GET IT? And I join the crowd, I don’t even bother waiting to see what Sash will say to Sam – who cares, the network clearly doesn’t give a fuck, why should we? And we decide to march on Channel Ten and burn it to the ground, along with all the nasty people inside, and we get real close to the Ten HQ, and we’re all hoping Andrew Bolt is in there, so that he can die too…… and then someone says: Hey dudes, Gogglebox has started. And we drop our placards and run like hell, straight to the nearest TV, and none of us ever gets to see the last bit of The Bachelorette and strangely none of us really cares. It’s kind of sad, but there you go. See you for the US season, soon.

 

 

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