The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 5

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 5

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 5


LIMITLESS 8.40 SUNDAY SERIES PREMIERE that’s what’s splashed across the screen non-stop during tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette. Channel Ten is absolutely embracing the idea of fucking up whatever you’re watching with a watermark ad for some other program that you’re not watching. I don’t know how much more of this I can cope with. LIMITLESS. I don’t want to watch a show that calls itself LIMITLESS. My patience is not LIMITLESS. Fuck this shit I am going to race through this episode, because if we’re getting no respect from the network, why should we be giving any?


Teaser/spoiler there’s a 2-on-1 date with Dave Surfer and Tony Muscles. This is something to look forward to, because 2-on-1 dates are generally good & ruthless: 2 boys, 1 girl, limited time, impress her or go home. This is more like it. Then there’s a kids’ birthday party, #nobodycares LIMITLESS.


We’re at The Mansion and OSHER GUNSBERG arrives with a date card and for a couple of hours the guys stop their naked man-orgy to talk about what the date card might be. Yawn. Yawny yawns.


Davey Surfer and Tony Muscles put on tuxedos and go on a giant boat, with Sam. Sam’s never spoken to Tony before, but she likes him because he is serious and he has muscles. Davey Surfer is charming and funny, and that’s FREAKING SAM OUT. She has dated guys before who were charming and funny, and apparently it didn’t go well, and she doesn’t want that now. She wants mature, serious, no-nonsense. She’s seeking a man who’s boring as batshit.


So……. this is the theme of the 2-on-1. Sam’s in the middle of these two guys, and Tony’s nice but very very dull and Davey Surfer’s cheeky but trying hard not to be, and Sam’s trying to figure out: if I go with the boring one, will that get me a gig on a renovation show? At least, I think that’s what she’s doing. It is possible that she’s been truly burnt by someone who looks like Davey, or speaks like him, because as the episode goes on she does seem to be genuinely freaked out by him. Every time he says anything interesting and/or amusing, she give a speech about how that’s not what she’s looking for. It’s quite weird. And then Davey gives an impassioned speech, and says hey I’m not amusing, I’m not cheeky, I’m serious and real and mature and I WANT TO FIND REAL LOVE.


So Sam gives Davey a rose, and invites him to stay. She tells Tony he’s too boring, he has no sense of humour, he must go home at once. Tony is understandably confused — but, but, but you said…… Tony’s been hiding his funny side all along, it turns out he’s hilarious, but Sam will never know. She sits alone with Davey, who tries not to smile or say anything amusing. It’s all very strange.


Then there’s a group date wherein all the guys have to entertain a bunch of little kids at a children’s birthday party. The only point to this – that I can see – is that Sam’s watching closely to make sure none of the guys is attracted to the children. She’s hoping to weed out the paedophiles. Thankfully, none of the guys makes any sexy moves on the kids, so everything’s OK. All the guys embrace the date and get into it, except for Michael Football Player who mostly ignores the kids and makes up a fairytale all about Sam, about Sam being a beautiful princess, and he tells the fairytale to Sam herself while all the kiddies sit around bored and ignored and wondering why all these random-ass grown-ups have gate-crashed their party.


Kayne is letting the kids throw eggs in his face, and Richie’s letting them beat him half to death, etc etc but Sam loves Michael’s story because, let’s face it, it’s all about her. So she makes Michael the winner of the challenge. She takes him back to her apartment-house-thing with the promise of cooking him dinner, then cooks him a burnt cheese toastie, which Sam thinks is pretty cool so Michael pretends it’s cool too. Last week Michael gave her a box full of cards with interesting facts (about Michael) written on them, like “I’m a very serious person” and “I have 30k+ followers” ……. so this week Sam gives him a box of cards with stuff about herself — “I want to be on The Project” … “Davey The Stoner scares me and I don’t know why.” Then she gives him a card which says “you can kiss me anytime” which would be great if the verb could be changed. Anyway, to cut a very long story short, they make out for a while on the couch. Sam seems to like it. I don’t see how anyone but Michael can win this thing. Yawn.


Then there’s a cocktail party back at The Mansion and Dave-plumber takes Sam aside to say hey, listen, you know how we gate-crashed some kid’s 5th birthday party, well, if I seemed uncomfortable, it’s because, mum… it’s because we gate-crashed some random kid’s 5th birthday party. For some reason he feels apologetic about this. To give her credit, Sam says hey, no worries; she falls short of saying ya I was just checking for signs of paedophilia. Smiles all round.


Then there’s a Rose Ceremony and in the build-up to it, the climax of the episode, Channel Ten is going all-out with POP-UP ADS. I’m not fucking kidding you. We’ve had the watermark ad for LIMITLESS all through the hour but now on screen is a coloured banner with NEXT: MONTREAL COMEDY GALA and then – this is amazing BESIDE THAT, not in place of it is: NEXT on ONE: COPS …. It’s getting so that you actually can’t see any of The Bachelorette, because there are pop-up ads in the way. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF WATCHING THIS NETWORK? I can’t see the show. I think at the moment it’s a show-reel of Kayne moments, from previous episodes, so….. clearly Kayne is going home. Poor old egg-covered Kayne who debased himself the most of all of them, at the kids’ party. Poor old Kayne who could never seem to get any time alone with Sam, even just to introduce himself. He must be going home, I don’t know, I can’t see anything past the BANNERS and ADS and POP-UPS and HEY WATCH THIS OTHER SHOW and I think, fuck this, I can’t watch TV like this. So I switch off.


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