The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 6

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 6

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 6

 

OK let me be very clear about this: this is the night where something truly shocking happens. This is the night that will be remembered by Bachelor(ette) fans the world over.

 

I will tell it as honestly and as simply as I can.

 

Some background first:

 

Richie-Dave wins the one-on-one, it’s the Benjamin Button date, we’ve see it before. The group date is to a very sad-looking deserted fairground, where the boys compete for alone-time with Sam. Sam spends the whole time FREAKING OUT because Davey The Stoner is clearly better than everyone else at all the challenges, and he’s going to win alone-time with her, and he’s MAKING JOKES along the way. Whenever anyone else attempts to be amusing, Sam whoops and hollers like she’s at a Jane Lynch movie. But when Davey smiles, relaxes or is vaguely amusing, then suddenly Sam FLIPS like he’s a kiddie-murderer. It’s totally weird. It’s all part of this odd storyline about is-Davey-mature-and-sensible-enough-to-date-Sam. Like, seriously? Like Sam’s so mature. Like the other guys are not wearing nappies. Sasha ASKED HER FOR A KISS, and not even directly – he murmured it, staring at the ground. Michael Footballer went one lamer and wrote down FREE KISS on a card, and put it in a box. Which one of these fuckers is a man?? Davey Stoner at least had the balls to try it on, on the boat, and he’s the only one who’s genuinely amusing. And when he is, Sam giggles, and then stabs herself a little in the eyeball, and then talks about dumping him. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? The only time it’s explained is when Sam says, she’s dated guys like Davey before and it didn’t work out. So………… what. All funny guys are out? Cheeky is banned? For life? This person is totally fucked-up, and desperately needs a shrink.

 

So they rig the game, so that Davey can’t win. Dave-plumber wins it instead. He goes and sits with Sam alone and she feels safe because Dave plumber is never going to say anything funny. He’s never going to try to stick his hand down her pants. He’s going to be genial, and nice. He packs about as much heat as a fucking glass of milk. Is this what she wants? Really???? Is this genuine or is this a career-move? I can’t get my head around it. I think the question I’m trying to ask is: is she really this soulless, or is she pretending to be soulless, because when you look at most successful LIFESTYLE-TV-hosts in Orshtraya, they absolutely nail the dead-eyed, soulless, nobody-home thing. Nothing weird, nothing edgy, nothing human. Just factory-settings. I mean, yes there are exceptions, although I can’t think of any right this minute. So is this what she’s trying to do? Be the genial girl from Getaway? Or is this real, and she’s genuinely attracted to lukewarm milk? She and Dave-plumber talk for a while, all very polite, and then he says to camera something along the lines of, well, I wanted to kiss her, but we were standing a few feet apart so I didn’t.

 

Oh fuck me.

 

Richie-Dave and Sam go on a “hilarious” one-on-one date wherein they are both made up by expert make-up artists to look like a couple of 85-year-olds. Then they pretend to have a 50th wedding anniversary date, hanging out at a bowling club with some 60-year-olds. It’s weird, for lots of reasons, some of which are obvious… and there’s something I can’t quite put my finger on — until it strikes me that Richie-Dave and Sam are no different as 85-year-olds. There’s no need for the make-up — these people ARE 85, in mind and soul. Actually, that is a bit insulting to the 85-year-olds I know, because I know a couple of rockin’ 85-year-olds. I guess Richie-Dave and Sam are nice, they’re pleasant enough, they don’t hurt anybody, and… zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I wish they’d go take a nap, and maybe not wake up. Otherwise I think we should re-open the debate about euthanasia, right here right now.

 

So we go back to The Mansion and right from the get-go, Sam has forgotten all about Richie-Dave, she has a bug up her ass about Davey the Stoner. It’s like she’s obsessed with the guy. She singles him out for a chat, they go and sit and she basically says look, Davey, you’re the sort of guy I’ve dated before, and you’re an asshole. Davey says, well, I’m not. I’m not a bad person.

 

Davey at no stage says, hey, how the fuck DARE YOU put me into a basket with a whole bunch of your exes, you don’t even fucking know me. I can’t stop thinking: what if the gender-roles were reversed. What would people think of this? I don’t know. It just feels very strange, and I want him to argue with her, or at least call her out on being a nasty fucked-up puppy. Maybe he does….. because this is where the HORRIBLE THING HAPPENS:

 

Davey is evicted, OFF-SCREEN.

 

We don’t know what happened. We’ll never know. OSHER GUNSBERG suddenly appears and explains to the OTHER GUYS that Davey has gone home.

 

Imagine: the grand-final of the football, the last five minutes of a match – cut to the commentators, describing what happened.

 

Imagine: the biggest loser, with no weigh-ins. We just hear about it from a robot.

 

This is shit. This is beyond shit. And worst of all, I can’t figure out WHY. Why would they do this? What are they trying to protect? DID Davey actually say something revealing/truthful about her? Did he insult her, and they’re trying to protect her in some misguided way? Did he fuck her? Was she overcome finally with her own pent-up weirdness about “Guys Like Davey” that she gave in to primal urges? This is SO WEIRD – we’re only watching to see shit like this — we don’t give a rat’s about anything else. Stick the zany 85-year-old thing up your ass. The whole point of this show is to see people rejected, or loved, on TV. Under the microscope. To rob us of that is to destroy the show. And this is my show. I am so fucking angry right now. For the second time this week, I switch off, way before the end. And again I ask you, what is the fucking point.

 

 

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