The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 7

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 7

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 7


At The Mansion the boys are mostly naked, they’re watching gladiator films and touching each other’s bottoms. Two of them are writhing around on the lawn when OSHER GUNSBERG appears. He has bad news: some of them will have to go on dates with a girl. The boys are sad. They just want to keep playing with one another. Osher tells them to get it together and at least pretend to be heterosexual.


Michael Footballer says to camera: “I want Sam to know I’m definitely here and I’m genuine.” A few moments later he says in voice-over: “I want Sam to know that I’m here for the right reasons.” This is repeated every six seconds for the next two hours. It starts to feel like some kind of Buddhist chant. It’s also a bit dull, frankly.


OSHER GUNSBERG has a single-date card. He talks for 11 hours about how important this single-date is, vainly trying to drum up some enthusiasm from the boys. Instead of opening the date-card, he gives it to Richie, who then invites the others to speculate about the single-date, what it might be, who might be going on it, etc etc. like we don’t already know it’s Sasha, come on, for fuck’s sake, you told us in the teaser, do we have to go through this every week? Really? I leave the room, I go nap for a few hours and when I come back they’re still talking about it, about the possibilities that might be inside that envelope so I decide to drive up the north coast and see some friends.


The trip is fun, I see a bunch of people I haven’t seen for a while and I make some random pit-stops along the way, including a visit to Bulahdelah, a place I haven’t been to for a long time. I stay there for three weeks. Then further north I get a job, working at a run-down servo off the main drag and the guy there is a cool old-timer who teaches me a lot of stuff about car engines, and I work in the auto-shop and I get cheap lodgings in an old barn at the back of his property and I start learning to surf. One day at the beach I meet a girl, kind of a hippie, not really the type I usually go for, but she has amazing eyes and there’s just something cool about her, we hit it off, and before long we’re seeing each other every day. Obviously, this is not what I’d planned. After a while I feel conflicted – I just wanted to be a free spirit, travel up the coast, but now I’m in this relationship and it’s getting pretty intense. I decide to leave. I tell the old guy who owns the auto-shop, he nods, he doesn’t say much — he says, have you told CB (the hippie girl) and I admit that I haven’t and things are a bit weird because by this time CB and the old man are pretty fond of one another — she cooks him meals, a lot, usually fish that I’ve caught. So that night things are tense and just as I’m about to tell her, she hits me with something of her own: she’s pregnant. It blows my mind. The very first night we got together, she’d told me she couldn’t have kids because of some heavy-duty medical problem, I won’t go into details here. Now she’s pregnant, I’m the father, shit is getting real. By this time I’ve almost forgotten about The Bachelorette and the single-date card. I don’t want to be a father. I’ve never felt that desire. But she’s standing there watching me and I can’t help myself, I say OK, well, whatever way you want it to roll – I’m here for you. It’s fucking crazy. Crazier still, four days later she dies in a freak surfing-accident, and I can’t find any trace of her family, so me and the old man bury her, just a simple ceremony, I think there’s maybe 5 of us at the grave, it’s on a vacant block overlooking the surf, and afterwards I find myself drinking alone on the beach, watching the sun go down and thinking about the times we swam together and wondering what it might’ve been like to have a family. The old man appears, sits next to me, we drink in silence but we both know: it’s time I made the journey home.


When I get back home, Richie still hasn’t opened the date-card. Nobody can hear anything over the CRAZY MUSIC and it’s all so hard to watch because I can’t stop thinking – obviously – about Davey, who was sent home last episode OFF-SCREEN and I’m dwelling on it, I feel depressed, I feel like I’ve given half my life to this show, only to be disrespected and basically told that I’m worthless. I begin to worry that I have cancer. Eventually Sasha goes on a single date with Sam and they have to paint a painting that will be auctioned off for charity. Sash has said before that he’s a painter, he likes to paint but HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST PAINTING I HAVE EVER SEEN. If these people were three and six years old, I would be hugely disappointed – it’s that shit. It blows my brain.


Then there’s a dinner-party and all the boys make a meal for Sam and Richie serves up a thing made from some kind of pressed-meat and what looks like year-old haloumi. I’m gagging. So is Dave Plumber – he’s got a ferocious case of the sads. He’s having to compete for this woman, compete with well-built chaps from big cities with their smart talk and their fancy ways and – in Michael’s case – their 30k+ followers on the Interwebz, and it’s all too much. He longs to be back in Darwin. He doesn’t like competing. Competing is fucked. All this fancy talk. And they play this game, where they’re supposed to write down FUN FACTS about themselves, and Dave has a go, he writes something silly but the others write a whole lot of earnest non-fun stuff and Michael Footballer takes the fucking cake, he writes some extra-extra-lame thing about “My biggest fear is not finding my soul-mate” and I puke, suddenly, violently but Sam thinks Michael’s dreary little piece of poo-poo is just WONDERFUL and again I’m puking, actually puking on the carpet, it’s so lame, and Dave Plumber quite rightly says hey, THAT IS NOT A FUN FACT and I totally agree with him. It’s not fun, it’s pathetic.


But Sam loves it, and she’s threatened by Dave calling bullshit on the bullshit. So she sends Dave home, back to Darwin, back to life, back to reality.


========== ROLL END CREDITS ====

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