The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 8

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 8

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 8

 

HOMETOWN DATES

 

Four bachelors left: Michael Footballer, Sash, Richie, Alex. Is it coincidence I’ve written them in that order? No. That’s the way they’re going to finish. Alex is going home tonight, then next week Richie, then in the finale, Sash will be left standing at the altar. That’s what I think at this stage anyway. I hope I’m wrong. Possibly Sash will go before Richie, but I doubt it. Richie to me seems like Michael-Lite, and Sam has a definite thing for Sash. So.

 

Tonight Sam meets their families. Good-o.

 

Michael first. Brisbane. Some football – soccer, for Australians. Sam has to take a few penalty shots against Michael. She is UNBELIEVABLE. She is brilliant. I’m not kidding. She has a right foot like a fucking canon – the power, the direction — she should be playing for Australia, or at the very least, club scouts should be looking at this girl. This is the first time I have ever really liked Sam. And it proves what we’ve known all along – she and Michael should be together.

 

They go meet Michael’s mum and dad — and his father completely FLIPS over Sam. He can’t stop talking, and he’s a close talker, and he’s losing his mind. He’s in love with her. This is so weird. I’m yelling at the TV – back off, dude. Dude?! Holy shit, he’s backed her up against the wall. He’s talking about Michael, how wonderful Michael is, but he’s gazing at Sam, and he’s not taking a breath, he’s absolutely fixated, he’s staring into her eyes, he’s relentless. Nobody else gets a word in – not a word. Eventually Sam has to leave, fuck this, can’t get a word in edgeways.

 

Luckily, before and after, Michael tells her he’s here for her, he’s genuine, he’s here for the right reasons, he’s genuine, he’ll all-in. It turns out he’s actually going for a world-record, for the number of times a person can say shit like this. He has to say it three thousand times to break the record, he’s only got a few to go, he’ll probably break it tonight. God love him.

 

Michael is going to win this, unless something really, really weird happens.

 

Alex

 

Alex has no family in Australia. This is weird but kind of good for Alex, because he still gets a home-town date, and maybe he can finally spend five minutes with Sam and vaguely get to know her. He takes her surfing, they seem to have fun. It’s hard to tell. I find Alex totally sad, in an engaging way. I mean this as no disrespect – there’s just this air of sadness about him, like he’s struggling with something, some great tragedy. He also knows – has known for several weeks – that he’s not going to win this thing. He’s not going to make it to top three. Alex is cool enough to recognise this, and it imbues everything he does with a kind of fatalism. But there’s also the odd streak of hope, every now and then, like just for a minute he thinks, maybe I WILL be the one. And straight after that, you can see him thinking, oh fuck, I hope I don’t. I hope I don’t end up with this Sam person. Alex is kind of tortured and I like it.

 

Alex has told Sam that they’re having dinner on their own, and she’s happy about that, but then he reveals a surprise: his sister has flown in from New Zealand. She’s coming over for dinner. Sam is mightily pissed-off. She doesn’t want to meet any fucking sister from New Zealand. She has no interest in meeting any of Alex’s relatives. She knows, and he knows, he’s going home tonight, and Sam was looking forward to crushing his heart without having met his goddamn motherfucking family.

 

Sam meets the sister and it’s pretty much all she can do to keep her irritation vaguely hidden. It doesn’t help that the sister is a tiger. She clearly thinks this whole Bachelorette thing is plain weird, she has no idea why her brother is dabbling in it, she has no idea what the fuck he’d have in common with someone like Sam (answer: nothing). So……… they manage to get through the evening. But it’s awkward, and Sam can’t wait to get the hell out of there. Alex is left standing at the door, in the moonlight, like a woman from a sad 19th century novel. Which is weird, I know, given that he’s a man, but that’s how he strikes me: a sad-eyed lady, unlucky in love.

 

Richie

 

Richie’s in Perth, he turns up in a tracksuit to meet Sam. She tells him she’s got a crush on him. She looks deeply into his eyes as she says this. Richie responds by saying “Good. Feelings are mutual.” Said in a rush. Short choppy chops more words more talk. Yep. Good-o. Got a crush. Yep. Awesome. Kewl.

 

He doesn’t go for the pash. He goes for the speech. So much, this happens, so much in the Australian setting. Why for? I don’t know. I think Richie’s very very nervous, on camera. There’s also the fact that they don’t know one another very well, they had their silly Benjamin Button date but on that date they were constantly surrounded and role-playing weird old-person schtick. They need to go get somewhere sexy, have 21 drinks and pull each other’s clothes off. That’s what Richie needs to organise right now. Quiet time, alone time, sexy time. Richie has the looks to pull this off, but he’s just so nervous. Come on buddy, get it together.

 

Instead: Richie takes her home to meet his Mum, his sister and 350 of his closest friends. It’s a shitfight from the get-go. Richie’s friends are yelling at Sam’s face, constant questions, why this / what that, it’s so intense that even Sam who lives for the spotlight is quite freaked-out by it — and at no stage does Richie step in and say hey, guys, back the fuck off, let her breathe. It’s this failure to protect her that is so disappointing about this visit. Richie could’ve been a contender this season but he’s just tumbled out of the Top 2, and he’s lucky that Sad Alex has a sister, or he’d be going home tonight.

 

Sash

 

I don’t really know how to talk about this. This is what happens:

 

Sash has hired a CREEPY DUDE TO SING. Have we not spoken about this enough before? This guy is not nearly as creepy as all the others we’ve seen, and he has a keyboard instead of a guitar, but it’s still this: here we are alone, having a good time, and I’ve invited a strange man to sing at you, at close quarters.

 

This is so weird. But it gets weirder. Sash says he’s done this because the song has been written especially for Sam, and it contains all the things that Sash wants to say to her.

 

So the music-man starts to play/sing the song, and he gets about one bar into it, and Sash invites Sam to waltz with him, to the song, and then THEY CUT THE MUSIC. No, it’s weirder than that: they kill the song off and replace it with incidental composer-music. What the fuck? Because they didn’t want to pay music-publishing fees to the piano-dude? Is that it? For Chrissakes how much was he charging you???

 

This is one of the most extraordinarily screwy things I have ever seen. All this build-up, it’s hometown dates, it’s the sharp end of the season, it’s a guy who’s Top 2 – who knows, Sash could actually win this, especially if Michael dies or something. (Or stops being a PRO FOOTBALLER). Here Sash, he’s had a song written especially for Sam, it’s a beautiful love-song, it’s his ultimate heart-felt plea for her love …….. but we can’t play it to you because we didn’t want to pay 50 BUCKS FOR THE LICENCE-FEE.

 

Everything is a blur after that. Sash’s family is ok, I think, I don’t know, I can’t stop wondering about Sash’s love-song, and what the licence-fee might have been. And I keep thinking about when Sash and Sam had to learn the tango, but the producers killed off the tango-music in the first bar. Was that about the publishing royalties? I guess it was. Jesus if you’re not going to fork out the measly dollars, WHY BUILD UP TO IT? WHY mention the goddamn tango at all? WHY have any appearance at all by the poor little keyboard random, who let’s face it just looked silly when his music got killed. I mean, apart from everything else, it’s just plain rude. RUDE.

 

Then there’s a Rose Ceremony, and Alex gets sent home. Alone. Sad-eyed and alone. I will miss him. Sam will not. Goodnight.

 

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