The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 9

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 9

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep 9


Final three, and we know that unless something totally freaky happens, Richie is going home. That’s kind of OK – tonight is really to see if we can get any clues about tomorrow. Michael? Sasha? At this point I’m leaning heavily towards Michael. But if I’ve learnt anything after so many seasons, it’s this: you can usually pick the final three or four, several weeks out. Picking the final two is quite possible. But when that finale rolls around, anything can happen. This is certainly the case in the US series – not so much here, so far. But we’ll see. Sasha has been gaining ground at an amazing rate in the last few weeks.


Sasha is first date tonight. Sam says she’s organised for him to go sky-diving, because she knows he has a serious fear of heights, and she thinks he should get over it. She’s going to make him confront his worst fear. Where I come from, this kind of behaviour is (politely) called controlling, and people like Sam are (politely) called sociopaths. There are other words one can use, which are not so polite. Sam wonders aloud: “I hope Sash doesn’t hate me for organising this date.” Well, one thing’s certain: I would. I’d tell her to go fuck herself. This is her third single date with Sash, I think? Third or fourth date and she’s forcing the scared-of-heights guy to leap out of a plane. I can feel viewers all over the country, yelling at the TV: come on Sash, tell her to go fuck herself! And wondering, cripes, if I were on this show, what deep-seated phobia would she force me to confront? Would she lock me in a room with Richard Wilkins? Make me listen to Chet Faker? I can only imagine.


But then I think, this seems to be the world we live in. This is what people do now – they confront their worst fears, hourly, on TV. They make everyone around them confront their worst fears. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is entirely based around this – people you’ve never heard of, confronting their worst fears. Meanwhile off-screen – so very far off-screen – our government spends billions helping refugees to confront their worst fears, which is a double-whammy, because these people are already fleeing their worst fears. Our government somehow manages to give them even worse fears. It never ends.


I think my worst fears about the universe have already been realised, several million times over.


I also think, incidentally, that it’s weird when people tag stuff on Facebook, in the comments section, rather than commenting or just sharing it, privately. Is this rude? When a stranger’s entire comment on your stuff is simply another stranger’s name. This has nothing to do with anything, I don’t even know why I’m mentioning it – but I puzzle over it, some days — it feels like sitting opposite someone at a wedding, and they spend their entire time texting on their phone. It’s vaguely similar to the people who stand outside my house and point at it, but don’t speak to me. They just point at my house, and speak to whomever they’re with, and marvel at how fucked-up my house is at present — but I’m standing right there. I’m fucking THERE, you know? I’m here. I’m not invisible. Am I? I think maybe all the problems of the world stem from the point where Person A decides that person B is invisible. Or doesn’t count, in some way. That’s how we end up in the shit. Jesus fuck the Bachelorette is doing my head in tonight.


Sam and Sash are sky-diving. Sash jumps out of the plane with a little man attached to him, which nicely carries on the theme for this season, which is men attached to men. Sash is petrified, quite clearly freaked-out, and it’s all he can do not to have a full-blown anxiety attack. Anyone who has had one of those will know that it’s not funny. But Sam thinks it is, she thinks it’s freakin’ fabulous, and she whoops and hollers and has a ball — so much so that she almost has a heart-attack, herself. I am fascinated. It’s like when you read about serial killers, and how much they love killing, and they enjoy other people’s pain and suffering. I’ve never been able to understand it, but I feel like I’m watching it happen, right here.


Afterwards, Sash gets to sit in a garden, with Sam. He has my favourite line of the show so far: “Jeeez look at all the bloody flowers.” For some reason I love this, I can’t explain why, except that they’re sitting in some kind of garden, with flowers, and Sash is so genuinely amazed by them all, and Sam has no wish whatsoever to talk about them and in fact seems peeved by his enthusiastic outburst. She wants to talk about her insecurities, re Sash, and these amount to the following statement: “I don’t have nice things.” This is freaking her out, apparently, because she thinks Sash is quite well-off. Sash says he doesn’t care about material things. He just cares about her. They kiss, and she’s relieved, and she says to camera that she’s confident now that Sash will give her “unconditional love.” And for the first time, I think maybe Sash might win this. I have to admit: I don’t totally understand the appeal of unconditional love. I think it’s nice as a concept, sort of, but I also think it’s an odd thing to crave. Stalkers controllers and murderers often talk about “unconditional love” as a reason for their horrible actions. I would much prefer love with some reasonable conditions. Gives you something to aim for, keeps everyone honest. But maybe that’s just me.


Richie’s never been to the snow. Sam takes him there, they go to Falls Creek at peak hour which is very crowded. Once after a gig I took a bottle of tequila and possibly some acid and sat on the ski-lift at Falls Creek and was found there the next morning, still sitting, sipping and admiring the view. Those were the nights.


Richie is a nice man. He likes Sam, but he’s only been on one or two dates with her, he doesn’t know her very well. And he’s an honest, upright guy. So he can’t bring himself to lie to her. He can’t force himself to pretend that he’s in love with this stranger, who seems fun but who knows. At the same time, he’s feeling pressure because he’s Top Three and when you’re Top Three you have to get emo to a fairly intense degree, if you want to make it to the next round. You can see Richie struggling with it, trying to say “I love you” or “I’m falling in love with you” — and try as he might, he just can’t fake it. He’s really not there yet, and he’s not calculating enough to fib. The best he can manage is: “I have been hurt before, but I am now ready to allow myself to fall in love.” It’s the most honesty we’ll see this season – unfortunately, it’s also the thing that will get him sent home tonight.


Michael and Sam go whale-watching, and I swear to god that at some point I hear Michael say: “whales are the coolest thing right now.” I imagine this as a T-shirt. It sort of makes me want to puke, a little bit, even though I love whales. I have to confess, while they’re watching the whales some small weird horrible part of me wants the Japanese to appear in a whaling RESEARCH-boat and start trying to kill the whales, for RESEARCH, and I’d love it if Sam and Michael were given serious weapons, and told to kill the Japanese whalers (strictly for research). Talk about confront your fears. And then, afterwards, Sam would make Michael watch “Blackfish,” the awesome documentary about whales being tortured, about these amazing giant creatures being ripped screaming from their mothers and taken to theme-parks and kept in shitty conditions and driven crazy while being forced to entertain dumb-shit mums & dads who think SeaWorld is a good idea. Watch the fucking doco, and get back to me. JESUS CHRIST The Bachelorette is so on point politically tonight, it’s doing my head in. This ep has made me think more about the world in one hour than 46 seasons of Q & A.


Meanwhile the show is suddenly very trippy. Michael and Sam are dining inside a fishtank. Don’t ask me to explain, you kind of have to be there. I am hoping that they’re not eating fish, but it’s hard to tell. Nobody really touches their food on this show anyway, and for once I’m glad of that. Michael tells her repeatedly that he’s all about her, he’s falling in love with her, he’s genuine, he’s here for the right reasons yawn yes dude OK we get it. I think Sash’s reading of the script was slightly more authentic, and I’m wondering if Sash will steal this out from Michael at the last minute. Michael is possibly overplaying his hand. It’s going to be close.


At the Rose Ceremony, it’s fancy-dress. Sam turns up DRESSED AS JOHN SNOW. This is insane – what the fuck is going on? To make it weirder, OSHER GUNSBERG is dressed in a midget’s suit – nothing fits, his buttons are bursting, one trouser-leg is so short & tight that he can’t even walk. He hobbles through the door, clearly in pain. Sam takes one look at what Osher’s wearing and she bursts into tears. Everyone’s freaking out. Sash, Richie and Michael are competing to wear the worst suit ever seen on TV. Richie’s dressed as a Chinese waiter – the other two just look like idiots. Sam starts sobbing – at one point she says, through her tears, how the bejeesus did I end up with three so-called men who can’t even dress themselves? And why am I dressed as JOHN SNOW?


In the confusion, Richie gets sent home. Nobody’s surprised. He handles it superbly, gives a lovely speech about how great Sam is and basically hits the bullseye: RICHIE for NEXT BACHELOR. Surely. He’s good-looking, he’s genuine, he’s a fine man with a lovely mum and sister. If he can get rid of the bad 1990’s tea-cozy beanie, Richie’s the dude for next season. You know it.


Tomorrow night: genuinely hard to pick, now. Sash is storming home, Michael’s run out of ideas. But…. I still think it’s Michael. By a nose.





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