The Bachelorette S1 Ep4

The Bachelorette S1 Ep4

The Bachelorette AU S1 Ep4 01.10.15

 

Alex Perry & Sam go on a one-on-one where they get to fly in vintage planes. The group date involves dodge-ball. This is what the spoiler tells me and I’m inclined to believe it. I hate the spoiler, it puts me in a bad mood for the next week. Let’s not talk about it GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

As we limp towards the middle of the season, there are very few exciting stories developing here and I’m a little worried. This is how it’s rolling: Michael Pro Footballer is winning by about six hundred miles. He’s playing a splendid game, tailored perfectly for Sam Frost. Each week they check in with each other like a pair of grocers checking their stock. Serious, check. Genuine, check. True to yourself, check. Instagram followers, check. There’s no passion but who needs passion when you’ve got 200k followers. Michael’s only got around 30k, but hopefully he’ll catch up GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

After Michael comes Sasha, and then one of the Daves, or maybe Richie-Dave. Is there passion anywhere in there? It’s hard to tell. Sash seemed to be inspiring something, for a moment, but he’s so obsessed with his house-buddies it’s possible that he and Richie-Dave might run off together. That would be an awesome episode GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

For those of you not actually watching the show, GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. This is plastered over half the screen, for the ENTIRE DURATION OF THE EPISODE. I’m not kidding, ask around, I’m not making this up. GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. This is awful for many reasons. There’s the obvious – it’s hard to concentrate on anything when you’re constantly being screamed at, GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. Even if, by some miracle, Sam were to momentarily forget her TV-presenter aspirations — even if, for five seconds, she were to drop the girl-next-door schtick and get loose & wild on screen nobody would see it because it’s impossible to see past GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. And the thing is, the Australian version of The Bach is a bit shit (this season in particular) BUT Gogglebox is brilliant. I never miss Gogglebox. So…….. maybe I should just not bother with the rest of this episode, maybe go get something to eat, have a nap, come back laterz for the G-Box. I mean, I know what happens here – Alex Perry flies in a plane, and unless he’s completely shit, or insane, or comes out, he’ll get a rose. Actually he’ll get a rose anyway, none of that seems to matter to Sam. The group date is dodge-ball, it’s already happened on The Bachelor New Zealand (yep that’s right, I watch ‘em all) and so I’ve already seen that date. I can tell you now, either Tony (who?? – good question) or Quirky Will is going home tonight. One of them she’s never met, one of them she’s never ever going to be seen with on talk-shows. One of them has to go home. Unless I’m missing someone. I guess there’s also the blond guy who looks like Tin-Tin – I don’t know his name, he’s never said a word on screen, but she seems to like him. I don’t care, all I can think about now is this: GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. (How the fuck can it premiere? This is the second season. That is not a premiere, people. Stop calling it a premiere. You’re just lying) GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

OSHER GUNSBERG appears … and PULLS A DATE-CARD OUT OF HIS ASS.

 

Let’s just stop everything, here, now. This is everything, all in one moment – everything that’s wrong with the local franchise. For starters: OSHER GUNSBERG. Holy fucking space-robot I’ve tried to keep silent but please, somebody tell me why. WHY what how? How did this happen, why did it happen. I genuinely want to know. Secondly: what Osher’s wearing. Just look at it, I can’t even describe it, it’s the carpet from the floor of a bank, ripped up and turned into a double-breasted faux-pea-jacket which is then teamed with a buttoned-too-high white shirt and none of it fits and it’s just awkward. Then look at the camera-angle, when he pulls out the date-card. Look at the way they’ve shot it. Tell me he’s not pulling that date-card out of his bum. Tell me Chris Harrison would allow that. Tell me why I’m watching this episode. GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. Next look at how long we have to wait while the “MYSTERY” is dragged out about who might go on the single date. WE ALREADY KNOW, you idiots, we saw Alex Perry in the teaser-spoiler. We’re an hour ahead of these people, it’s like talking to a bunch of Queenslanders during daylight-saving. It’s like talking to a bunch of Victorians at any time of the year.

 

The single-date card is read out by Tin-Tin, who’s never met The Bachelorette and has no interest in doing so. All the other boy-contestants are snuggled up together on a couch, they have their arms around one another, and it’s obvious at least some of them have been making out. A couple of the Daves and Alex Perry-Dave have heavy winter clothing on, and yet Richie-Dave and Tin-Tin-Dave are basically naked, so, clearly, OSHER has interrupted an orgy. I wish they’d show us, it’s probably our only chance of seeing anyone make out on this season.

 

Alex Perry goes on the flying date. He’s trying out an English accent for this series, which is a bit strange; on Next Top Model he’s got an Australian accent. On NTM he’s also a knob – here he’s a bit softer, and he’s given up the sunnies-on-top-of-head thing which was a tired look ten years ago but now is just plain silly. I don’t know why he’s pretending here to be an English financier when we all know he’s a b-grade Australian reality-twat, but I guess it will have a punchline at some point. His date with Sam looks to be genuinely fun. I would love to go up in a tiger moth aeroplane. They do sick stunts and Alex manages to not vomit. Then they go to the Australian Botanic Garden at Mt Annan, which is exquisite, and they get to hang out in the Dimmi butterfly box, with HUNDREDS OF BUTTERFLIES. THIS IS MY DREAM DATE. And where is the acid now, this challenge is screaming out for it. Even without drugs they’re righteously enjoying themselves, and it actually allows them to hang out and talk, but neither of them can hear a word the other says, because all anyone can hear is GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

Meanwhile back at The Mansion there’s three or four hours of MYSTERY about what the group-date might be. WATCH THE TEASER, you shitheads – I guess the lads were all too busy with their orgy. GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

Alex Perry is doing incredibly well on the single date. He’s quite charming, and I’m starting to think maybe it’s not really Alex Perry, but someone else. Maybe this person genuinely is an English financier with a ghastly accent. He says he was born in Borneo. WHO THE FUCK is born in Borneo? I kind of love him. He grew up in Borneo then Brazil and then Texas …. holy shit this man is awesome. You can see Sam thinking, I have no idea where those places are, but when I’m host of Getaway, everyone will love me. Unconditionally. She gives Alex a rose, and a quick kiss, no pash. Alex clearly wouldn’t mind a pash, and he pulls a few reasonable moves, he’s quite smooth (he’s possibly everything the other Alex Perry would like to be but isn’t) but unfortunately, he’s not going to get anywhere with Sam. I can’t really explain why. I just think he – more than the others – seems to know who he is. And he looks like he might not die if the cameras were taken away. If he were given sixteen wishes, possibly not every single one would be “I want to be a guest on The Project.” For this reason, I don’t think he’s top two. But he might go a way further, because he’s different, and possibly a heterosexual man, in a house full of little boys who are still grabbing each other’s willies in the bath GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

Then there’s dodge-ball, people jumping, blah blah the winning team ends up in a bath-house (?!) – sadly for them they have to smuggle the girl in with them and Richie opens up about why he finds it difficult to open up, something to do with his parents’ divorce, and Sam nods and shares her feelings about how hard to is to share her feelings. They’re in a bath, they’re almost naked but there’s not a hint of sexual tension and I’m starting to think, what is HAPPENING. Is it Sam? Is she the common denominator here? Can somebody open up and talk about how hard it is to get any action in this season? GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. Then Sam gives Quirky Will some alone-time, and some kind of exfoliating massagey-type thing and again, the sexual chemistry factor is 42 below zero although because it’s Quirky Will, I’m OK with that. Weirdly enough, the Quirkster is not being very quirky, in fact tonight he seems quite real and down-to-earth and Sam is so freaked out by this that she does a quick piece-to-camera about how she has no romantic feelings for him and in fact cannot wait to dump him. He has no abs, he is not taking steroids, and he would not look good sitting next to her when she’s nominated for a Silver Logie. Presumably she’s known this for a few weeks now. GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT.

 

So we go back to The Mansion and there’s a Rose Ceremony, and THANK CHRIST two people are going home tonight. That means Quirky Will and SOMEONE ELSE. I’m thinking probably Tony, because he’s never met Sam or said one word to her, not even via twitter. But there’s also Tin-Tin, I’d forgotten about him. I guess it will come down to abs. Tin-Tin has abs but not abs like Tony has abs – Tony has abs and pecs and unnamable muscles in his fucking eyebrows. He has bigger tits than Pamela Anderson. He gets a rose. Tin-Tin gets sent home. Quirky Will goes too, and he delivers a quite lovely and apparently sincere exit speech. I feel bad about everything I’ve said about him — well, almost everything. But I’m glad he’s going home, because he can & will do a whole lot better than Sam. Maybe. Who knows. There is only one thing certain at this point: GOGGLEBOX PREMIERES NEXT. And I can’t wait. In just a few minutes I can start loving the TV again.

 

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